I have to admit that even though many people have been hurt by my honesty, as I have been hurt by many others honesty. One thing that I will never deny is, if this ‘honesty’ was delivered by someone that has a grasp on who I am, where I’ve been, and cares about me, although if delivered horribly, I will still hear what it is they’re saying and of course pray about why it hurt so bad. Before I became a Christian I still would ask myself (more like interrogate) “Are they right?” If I don’t think they are….I’ll ask myself then…well what the heck happened then? Is it possible they have issues? Well, that one is easy YES…. 🙂 This observation however true still did not solve the problem or mend our relationship. Thus the interrogation begins.
My high school friends can attest to this when I say “I was (still am) highly emotional”. I’m pretty sure I still have some old notes that say just that. Back then my best of friends and I would have our on and off again moments. Some would last a day and others have lasted years. It is never easy to hear someone you love, someone you have trusted with your true self tell you there is something wrong with your actions, your way of thinking or even yourself. One thing that God gifted me with was the gift of interrogation. The determination to solve the issue, whatever it may be there has to be a solution and I am going to find it. Seems like a great gift doesn’t it? It is definitely one that keeps my mind going, and going, and going and well you get the picture. Seemingly we would all agree that finding a solution to a problem is a good thing. To quote C. S. Lewis “The most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of your own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs”
Let me try to explain how this fits into the point I am eventually going to get to. Earlier I wrote how God gave me a gift of interrogation. Imagine a movie you may have seen where there is a bad guy being interrogated by a police officer. There usually isn’t any unjust thoughts that come racing to your mind, we all are behind the officer and want the child abuser punished for what they have done. What about when there is an innocent person being interrogated by a crooked cop? Who then are we wanting to stand behind? Right, the innocent person. Now watching a movie it’s easy to know who is to be punished and who is to be let go. We get to see both sides of the story. In our own lives we all know the old saying “there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the Truth.” As I typed these last few lines, I chuckled inside because as a Christian I know that God is in all things. Do you see where He is in that sentence?
God is the only one that is able to solve any conflict. Yes, I know God can do all things, but this isn’t the point I am trying to make. I am trying to prove to myself mind you, that God is the only one that knows how to solve the problems that keep me up throughout the night, the ones that I can consume myself obsessing over trying to find a solution that leaves everyone either happy or equally upset. My divorce mediator said it perfectly when he warned my ex husband and I that the point of mediation wasn’t to make either of us happy and if we both equally come out unhappy then he did his job. Not something, a single struggling mother of two wants to hear from a man that is handling the outcome of her children’s financial future. On the other hand how fair would it have been if my ex-husband had been taken to the cleaners and began to resent our children because he couldn’t even afford to pay his bills?
I have over the years begun to look at conflicts from both points of views; no matter how the outcome is unfair to me I want to think about how this is going to effect tomorrow. Recently I had a short discussion with someone that repeated scripture to me about not worrying about tomorrow, because it’s already planned for us and God is in control. All very true, and helpful in so many areas of my life. However, remember what C. S. Lewis said not to take any one thing and make it an absolute. If we are so quick to react to something, or not react because we are not to ‘worry’ about tomorrow, we are then like the man that was waiting on the roof of his house in a flood waiting for God. Refusing the 3 people sent to rescue him standing firm in waiting for God to rescue him. When he is then standing before the Lord, he asks him ‘why didn’t you deliver?” God replies “I sent three people to help, you refused to do your part.”
God cannot do our work here on Earth for us, well cannot isn’t the correct word. He can do all things, but as any parent knows if you continue to clean up your kids toys over and over again they will never learn how to do this for themselves. In the same sense, we have to learn how to do the work it takes here on earth to secure our kingdom. We are still required to do the work and plan out our actions according to scripture, and then wait patiently for the Lord to deliver. I think this is where we get things all screwy. I believe when people have to do the work, we expect to be able to decide what it is that we are working for. We forget that we are to do the work ‘according to scripture’ not according to our wants. When we do this we are then working with the Lord and then He happily delivers, but remember in His time, not Ours. Again, an area we forget over and over again. So often I forget that even though I am doing ABC. There are so many other letters in between before we can get to XYZ Even if I know what XYZ will be; it’s not up to me to get the other person there any quicker than God wants them to.
Although I absolutely love the gifts that the Lord has given me and revealed to me, I am just like any other child that is given too much too soon, I am ill-equipped to handle such gifts correctly. I fall victim to pride and use these gifts to belittle someone. Sometimes directly, other times manipulatively (which btw is the most damaging in the end). When we decide how someone should ‘learn their lesson’ or ‘grow up’ we then take on the roll that was never ours to begin with. We tell God that our way is better than His. We tell God that we appreciate his help, but we got it from here. This is especially common with wives. We are the only ones in this world that know our husbands ‘issues’ and if we don’t make them aware of them we will never be able to move on with our happiness, future, or (my shameful admission) our God given Purpose.
If you’re like me then you may have read all of the books that tell us to Respect our husbands and to lift them up. To ‘submit’ to our husbands…which many of you see that as an insult. Recently I was able to hear it in a way that either one needed to hear because I am such a prideful, independent woman, or because it is absolutely true. Submission was not commanded to wives so the man can ‘rule’ over us. Side note really think about it for just a second before I tell you what the author of “Is there a Hero in your Husband” clarified. God first created man to rule over the land and all that it possessed. The land, animals, and so on. Why would He create woman to rule over us as well? Is that the God that you worship weekly? A God that created you simply because man was bored ruling everything else? No, it clearly says in the same book you and I read daily and get our everyday lessons, motivations, and answers from. He created woman to ‘help’ man. We are their helpers, we are capable of running the house, an office and still make dinner for the family all while preparing for the next 3 weeks activities for the family. Not because we are better, but because we are to help the men rule everything else.
Now on to the submission she explained. We are to submit to the power we have in controlling our husbands. There’s a joke that I’m sure many of you have heard “The husband may be the head of the house, but the wife controls the neck” Well again God is in everything. When we as wives, that can pretty much do it all if we were put in a position (that so many single mothers out there are….) feel things are going astray our human instincts kick in and we turn the auto pilot off and get us back on course. Seems innocent, I mean we have our future to protect. We are ‘helping’ them, which is what the bible says we are created for. (Dare I repeat Lewis?) When we allow our instincts to rule the way we interpret Gods Word we are taking things yet again into our own hands and although it seems Godly, we are not doing the will of God.
Remember when I mentioned the kids cleaning up their toys? Well if we as wives, ‘help’ our families avoid disaster time after time what tends to happen each time is this: Our respect for our husbands chips away, we begin to think there is something wrong with him, why in the world did we marry this person that is incapable of taking care of this family let alone himself? Didn’t anyone teach him how to be a man?
Well here it is ladies….the honest truth that even I don’t want to type. NO, no one has taught him how to be a man because you have been too busy focusing on yourself and your own capabilities, your own wants, your own future to do what it is that you were brought together to do all along. Which is to “help’ our husbands, that admittedly still act as children, become men by submitting to the power we have and allowing them to learn through the mistakes we are terrified to allow them to make.
That fear of them screwing things up is not from God, He is not a God that wants His creations to live in a state of fear and insecurity. He is a God that has a plan for us, a plan for our marriages, a plan for our future, a plan for our children. He has told us repeatedly in scripture that we will endure troubles; we will have trials of hardships when we live our earthly lives fulfilling his purpose. What we forget is, He tells us that it will be hard and we might not even see the rewards in this life. Over and over again I say to myself that I am willing to do as Paul says and lose my life so that I may find it. And as much as my mind believes this I have yet to change my heart to this. I have given my life over to the Lord, but I haven’t given my marriage over to Him and I fear that if I don’t I may lose sight of His purpose for my life all together.
When I started this I had intended on writing about how pleased I am to read authors that have cut out the crap and said it like it was. Like most of my writings as of lately God had a different idea in store. So as I said sometimes it takes the ones that truly love us to say the hardest things. Thank you Lord, for using my writings to speak to me when my mind won’t shut up long enough to hear you. My life is as it always has been, Yours and daily I repent of my selfish desires and humbly beg for You to forgive me, strengthen me to forgive myself, to place me on solid rock and put a new song in my mouth. Remind me how to Love others the way You love them, help me to hear the words before they come out of my mouth as You would want them to be spoken. Forever in your debt, always thankful of your ways!