If you were asked to speak at my funeral what could you say with certainty about the person I was, and the life I lived? Would you be honest or would you only say the nice things? Would you be able to describe why you believed these nice things because of the life I lived? Can I describe these things through the life I am living? Do my actions match up with what my words are saying? Or better yet, do my thoughts match up? These are tough questions, ones that I think we should think about everyday. Ones that I think we should evaluate and be HONEST when we answer them. I think my answers to these questions might give you relief. Why relief? Because I believe that I am not the only one who gets entangled in the enemies lies of my worth as a mother, wife, follower of Christ Jesus and a daughter of God.
Looking in from the outside one can question my stability in being a good steward of Gods money, the stability in the marriage God gave me, and my mental stability would definitely come into question. One thing that I believe people would not question is my love for children. Not just my children, but all children. I believe without doubt that my actions would confirm that I absolutely love and adore children. God teaches me through them and allows me to know who I am in His eyes through children. This is why I love them so completely. Want to know the truth though? Sometimes I cannot stand them. Yup, sometimes I am simply annoyed that they will not stop talking, that they cannot make their own dinner, that they have yet again gotten in trouble plain and simple there are times I am completely fed up with giving and giving and getting nothing but more wants in return. How’s that for honesty?
Remember earlier how I said God teaches me through children? This is also a way that the enemy cripples me with lies. If I know that God loves me more than I love my children, more than my parents loved me, and his thoughts are not the same thoughts as mine, why then am I still able to fall into Satan’s trap? Because we know what we feel. I did not recieve the nurturing love of my parents when I grew up. They gave me what they were capable of and considering the lives they lived I recieved more than they did. Not knowing pure love and not being able to give pure love, how am I to believe that God loves me purely? How can I believe God does not get annoyed with me for not trusting Him, again? How do I believe that when I “feel” alone that I’m not alone? How I know that He really wants to spend time with me?
I wrestled with these lies today, and as He is always willing to do if we are willing to be patient and wait for Him, He gently answered me. While asking for Him to remove this bitterness I was feeling towards my husbands ex wife, I broke down crying in confession of all the things that I do and think that are so unworthy of Him. This is where the lies can so easily grab you and keep you in a pit of darkness and despair…this is why it is SO VITAL to WAIT for HIM to answer you. I am guilty of being in the midst of confessing all the horrible things I have allowed into my mind and then before He even gets a word in edge wise, I have to answer the phone or go pick up the kids. Never allowing my mind to focus on things that are good, holy, and true. Not allowing God to reveal to me just how worthy He feels I am. Hoping to remind myself not to rush my prayer time with Him, and do whatever it takes to know just how important waiting for Him really is.
My confession sounded like this….”How am I supposed to believe that you really love me when there are times when I honestly do not want to be around my kids? How am I supposed to believe that you aren’t annoyed with me like I am with them when they don’t see the things that I am trying to teach them to better their lives by having you in it? I am horrible mother and a horrible wife”…..this is when God placed His hand on me and calmed my thoughts warmed my soul and shut up my mouth. “Chadd”….I couldn’t utter another word or thought all I felt was peace and all I could think was Chadd. I took a deep breath, placed my hand on my chest and felt His thoughts over come mine. “When your kids truly come to you and say they are sorry how do you feel? When you and Chadd reach a moment of complete security in your love how do you feel? This is where I am always”
Because I confessed my inner thoughts of disgust with myself as a mother, wife, and child, God did what I do when my kids come to me truly sorry for what they had done. He did what Chadd and I are able to do when we reach a new level of truth in our marriage….HE GAVE ME PEACE through FORGIVNESS. HE washed away the lies, opened my eyes to Him (again). Even though there are times when even I have not so nice thoughts of being a mother God does not waste those He uses those to refine me….to redefine who I am in Him. He never changes, He is always just and always loving. It is I that must allow Him to change me….and that means I must be willing to see me as He sees me….the good and the bad….because as you know He knows all anyway!!
Ending our time in thanksgiving for my “Anchor” in this life and knowing that this too is a lesson that I am compelled to share with you. Hope this helps with any lies that the enemy may have you entangled in. God loves you more than humanly possible. We live by Faith, not by Sight….His Truth is Truth and it’s available for you to find if that’s what you really want. It takes honesty and work…..but as you know all things worth anything is worth the work! ❤