I recently suffered another tragic life altering death within my family. The father of my children, a man that changed my life, and became more to me than an ex, he was my family, was over taken by the pain and believed the lies that everyone he loved would be better without him here and took his life on Mothers day May 8 2011. (A date that all throughout our relationship would be the day we either broke up or found our way back together. The day I met Chadd my current husband in 2008, and the year prior 2009 I had the most spiritual experience to this date, where I actually wrote that I would be the one dying in May the following year, a day that bc of him I am able to celebrate.) My heart breaks knowing the years he will miss watching our children grow up to be the people we always dreamed for them to be. But I rejoice in Gods plans for my children…they know the Lord, and know that this is not the end for Matt as well as having Chadd in their lives assuring them of a fathers love. God is a LOVING God.
During the following weeks a flood of emotions I had realigned from our relationship as husband and wife to our roles as parents, came crashing in on me. My current husband at the time was amazing the 1st week after Matts passing….then the time when I needed to lean on him the most so I could be the mother that my children needed me to be he lost focus of his role as our only male protector in this world, and I was left defussing stupid temper tantrums, so my kids wouldn’t hear us fight.
Death is not new to me…when my relationship shifted with Matt was when my brother Mike fell 9 stories in Daytona Beach, at the age of 25 leaving behind a 4 yr old daughter, and his wife was 2 months pregnant with his son. Mike was more of a father to me….my world had fallen out from under me and Matt was there through all of it. Just holding me when I needed it, listened to cry, and when I became engulfed with the vision of him falling over and over he firmly said “then stop thinking about that”. Sounds harsh but I needed him to say it bc I was unable to snap out of it.
Back to the reasoning of this blog…after we came back home from the condo, I could almost feel the release of Gods power. Without Him I wouldn’t be able to write this, bc I would have lost my mind and been institutionalized. I will honestly admit that I am not the same person I was before the events that occured during our time at the beach.
Once home I had never felt such exhaustion in my life. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally I could not function. I think I slept for almost a week, remaining in bed another week after that.
Until one night I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and happened to look at my phone, which I typically wont do. Below is the emails that occured between a highschool friend of mine that I haven’t seen since 1996. Excuse my typos, it was midnight and I was on my phone.
Just a question and if I offend you I am sorry I am not
trying to. After all of this bad stuff happening to you in such a short time
you still believe in god. How can you praise to something that has done nothing
but hurt you. Just something I have always thought and didn’t understand it.
Not just you but everyone.
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Wow….couldn’t understand why I woke up when I was sleeping
so calmly. This is why and explains the dream I was having.
Totally NOT offended….actually THANK YOU! Bc I have truly believed my life
would never change until I was asked this question. I almost have an excitement
in me bc finally someone has asked……
Ok. So you’ve known me through highschool and remember when I tried to kill
myself on 9th grade right? I have been trying since 12…. many times and many
different ways…..there were times I came.to school blacked out bc I had taken
so many pills the night before. Anyway….the day I woke up in the hospital
something in me.changed…..it wasn’t an instant and I didn’t become saved
until my 30’s but something awakened in me that made me know there was a reason
I lived. I never opened a bible until May 2008, but as I go back and read my
journals I’ve always prayed……after Mike dying it was then I started feeling
God pulling me closer….through Mike though….now I know it was the Holy Spirit
using my brothers memory to show me who God was and how much He truly loves me.
My reason I believe in God is bc He gets me THROUGH all of the horrible things
in my life. I honestly cannot remember if you have kids…(sorry) I don’t think
you do…I know you live on Vegas and are married but dunno ab the kid
thing…. anyway…my kids are GOOD I mean really GOOD kids and they’ve already
been through a divorce, fighting horrible fighting with Chadd, now their dad
killed himself, and now another divorce. I don’t do this to them bc I hate
them. Just the opposite…..I love them so much I’ve wanted to sacrifice
everything FOR their future. This sometimes means we have to go through
horrible things….that’s when I love them MORE evidently in their everyday life.
We play, talk, go swimming, star together….even sleep in the same.bed most
nights. When they’re being out the worse possible situation I’m MORE of a
mother than I’ve ever been. That’s how it is with God. When I’m going through
the most gut wrenching pain (and its been like this my ENTIRE life….lots of
abuse…sexual, verbal, mental, physical, everything) God loves me so much
closer, it I should say when I turn back to Him, He’s there in an instant and
LOVES me through the pain bc He wants my life to be PERFECT….just like I want
my kids lire to be perfect……He can’t control what others I have on my life
do (well He COULD but He won’t) He can only help those who WANT help, who WANT
MORE in this life. Everything that’s happened in this world…its ALL in the
bible. Different time but its all there. I’m never shocked with the things I
hear bc its going to get worse and that means as long as I live here in this
world chances are my life and my kids will feel the punishment of this world.
God never promised me choosing Him meant I’d have a perfect life down here, He
actually promises me it will be hard and painful and I will suffer….So He’s
never lied to me….He’s also promised me if I stay faithful and continue to
try with all my heart, mind, and soul to live an honorable life in His glory,
believe in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, that He’s the son of God
(which I still struggle with and that’s ok….bc I’m still learning) that when
I die and Jesus then comes back to “end the world” that I will be one
of the ones who get to live my spiritual life on heaven with God and Jesus.
So even through all of the horrible things that never seem to stop in ky
life….one thing I never doubt is if there is a God. Not to mention
scientifically this world couldn’t not have been created by anything other than
an Intelligent Designer. It’s scientifically impossible for the things to be as
they are without something making all of it……
God doesn’t waste my hurt….someone, somewhere will need to hear my pain to
get through theirs…that’s why I believe I’ve had the life God gave me. Just
wish sometimes I could just use what I’ve got LOL
Hope that answered your question. Thank you SO much for asking me that. I
needed to be reminded of this….which BTW is God reminding me people I never
even think ab are watching and I have to always remember who I represent!
Please ask me anything. Anytime!!!
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Once again I was not trying to be mean I just have so many
issues and questions about god and you seem to really get the hole thing. So I
thought maybe I should ask you since you are going thur so much and still
believe. Thank you for taking time and talking to me about it 🙂
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Questions about God are GOOD! The way we get stuck is never
searching for the answers openly and willing to accept the answers you find,
without a predestined answer. I believe the second you stop questioning God is
when we die on the inside. Our whole existence is to be in relationship with
God. That’s ALL He asks if us…..everything else you see and best Christians
do in the name of God are bc during their relationship this is how God chooses
to use them and they LOVE Him so completely they WANT to do that. Now there are
some judgmental hypocritical Christians that slam others in the name of the
Lord and they do more damage to His name than someone who bashes God.
I can’t answer everything but I’m more than willing to try and answer anything
I can. Never offended….honestly you gave me a GIFT that I’ve waited and
wondered why no one has asked yet. So honestly MC thank you!