Summer Ramblings…..

Recently I came upon a devo about the Israelites’ wandering the desert and thought…I am lost in the desert…I don’t want to be…. I have dreams and passions and God has given me the experiences to last me 3 lifetimes….but most importantly He has used every area of my life as His Way to Witness to so many women and children…and possibly a few guys… There is freedom that comes within your soul when you accept who you are in Gods eyes. Even if who you are is the crazy, off the wall, highly emotional, sometimes delusional, born again (and again and again) Follower of Christ, Believer of all things Holy and Spiritual….even the things that no one ever wants to admit they believe. There’s a freedom that lies within yourself, waiting to be set free….sometimes we let her out test the waters…then throw her back into her box where we keep her hidden from the real world….because omgsh what would they think if you actually told them that they are wasting their time trying to play the part as a good Christian doing good Christian things….when clearly the things that they allow occupy their minds and days could matter less to the Holy God and the reason He chose you to live in this world at this day and age. Better yet what would they think if you read the bible for yourself and allowed God to actually teach you what He wants YOU to know through His word? Since being baptized in 2008 I have realized that the passion I had then was more Spirit driven then anything I have done recently. I am ashamed to admit that I cared more about my character and the integrity of my name before I chose to accept the honor of saying Jesus is my Savior. Who I am today is the exact opposite of everything that I stood for as a mother, woman, and worker. This reality has given me a feeling I always prayed I would never experience….and as heartbreaking as it is to endure continual death within my family and severed relationships that I chose for my children to know as family….the pain of admitting that my biggest fear of being a mother my daughter wanted to be nothing like had come true. This is a pill that I have swallowed and am not asking for others opinions of what kind of mother they think I am. I know who I was and who I am today….and I hate this person. The saddest part is I saw myself becoming this lazy, complaining, selfish hypocrite. I would hear the Spirit telling me that I knew better than to spend money we needed to save…or allow the video games entertain the kids a little bit longer so I can have me time. BUT….I didn’t want to grow up….I wanted ME time, and I still believe that ALL parents…especially stay at home mothers…NEED time when they are not a wife or a mother and they are able to remember that God called them to be His FIRST….everything else….YES Ladies EVERYTHING ELSE…EVEN your role as a wife….is pointless until the first is complete. Since I am on the role of the wife and husband I want to speak my opinion for a moment….(remember I said MY OPINION – Not what I read in my bible) So many men and women get so side tracked with “Leading the family” or “respecting her husband” that they lose sight of the #1 commandment which is LOVE GOD WITH ALL (not some) ALL your heart, mind, and soul. Funny little secret is when we take the time to REALLY Fall in Love with God and can realize just how madly in love He is with us…because let’s face it…we are AWESOME! I mean seriously….God made us in HIS IMAGE….so stop obsessing about looking perfect….God is so much MORE than looks…He is the beauty in everything…He is the amazing mystery of the nighttime sky…He is the waves crashing on the sea shore….He is also seen in our trees and birds….and all other creatures created by Him….No they weren’t made in His Image like we were….but they do describe a part of Him, which means our world and the animals in it…matter to Him because they are His description…His fingerprint per say that He left for us….and I don’t know about you but I am HUGE on going back through my old pictures or reading old letters…I could honestly get lost for hours going through my parents things…and my grandparents items. I see where I came from….well it’s the same thing with the world around us….the one that is becoming less and less green and more and more of empty houses with signs out front….or shopping malls that hold more crap that means nothing and gets us nowhere…. I had a major squirrel moment….so I’m basically going to end this reminding myself to remember who I am in Gods eyes…remember that I am not here to be treated like a princess…because I already have a home and it’s in the Spirit world with Christ Jesus and one day I pray I am able to see the God who saw strength in me that I still can’t fully believe I’m capable of pulling off. I love you Lord Jesus for living a life by faith and obedience…knowing you were here for a moment to complete a mission and the pain and isolation you must’ve felt daily is a blink of an eye when the reality of Heaven is like. Just like giving birth….not the best part of becoming a mother but worth it because it gives us our babies. Rise up a fire inside this house with Your Holy Spirit and Excitement for your Glory God. Written August 22, 2011 @ 4:23am


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