Sometimes I hate myself. I mean really hate myself. When I was a kid I used to cut myself and I didn’t care what scars I left on my body. Today as an adult this still manifests itself is in the things I tell myself.
The scary part for me is the way my thoughts can really take over and pour out into this world. I’m a mother so I have 4 children that will and are affected by my behavior. But specifically I have 2 children that have already lost a father to suicide, and when I get in these self-hatred states I do hope to die. I rationalies that Chadd would do a much better job at parenting, and his family have everything I ever wanted as a kid so they will be fine. God loves them more than I do, I’m just messing everything up anyway.
Earlier as I was going through these lies I hit my Facebook application and this is the picture I saw.
This hit an area that I was trying to destroy. SO naturally I shut my Facebook down and started to provoke an argument with my husband. Thankfully, he stood firm and prayed and told me I was being attacked…and I of course like a hurt person usually does responded with more hurtful things. This kind of sickness I have struggled with all of my life. I am a self-healer and a self-hurter. What has to stop is the way I allow this anger and self-destruction out on my husband. I sat on my bed and thought ok what do I read. My bible sat near me, but like anyone who is filled with this kind of evil they don’t want to read God’s Word. Personally I know that’s exactly what I have to do though. God’s Word is the ONLY WAY to destroy what lies are destroying our inner peace. But I have a real fear of opening God’s Word when I’m like this. I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop from speaking evil against what I read…and blasphemy the Spirit. SO I stay away from it…which isn’t good.
So I opened the next best thing the book that my mentor wrote “Perfect Love” She equips me with the tools I need. The only other author that has affected my heart this way has been Beth Moore. Both women write for Jesus. Both women write what they KNOW works because ONE it’s God’s Word, TWO they’ve personally experienced it, and THREE they are anointed to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free, the Spirit of the Lord is upon these women. So here is the page I opened to and the order in which my God allowed my poisoned heart to read.
Chapter 9 pg 75 “Perfect Love Buys Us Back”
Did you know that you are a slave? We are all slaves to something. We are either a slave to sin if we have not yet received Jesus Christ as our personal savior, or we are slaves to righteousness, when we give our life to Jesus. As that moment because of Christ’s sacrifice, His blood covers our sin once and for all and He covers us with His righteousness. We are made right before the eyes of a perfect God, not because of anything that we did, only because of what Jesus did on the cross.
(page flipped to page 78 – my birth year that I happen to have a heart around in the book) So if you are a born again and you are still struggling with some old habits, or hang ups and not really understanding why, it is because you need to work to renew your mind daily in the truths in God’s Word to break those habits and strongholds for good.
Girlfriend, hear my heart here, you must never believe the lies that the enemy will tell you, lies like; “Oh, you must not even be saved or you wouldn’t think like this anymore” or “ if you were really saved, God would have delivered you from this by now” or “no other Christian thinks like this”. (pg79) You see, the enemy loves to get God’s children believing that they were not truly bought from sin and the devil’s grasp for good, and that they are still in the devil’s chains. It is simply not true! The truth is, the second that you make Jesus Lord, you belong to God and satan has no true control over you anymore. The only power that he has is what you freely give him. Sin does not have power over you; you just need to get your stubborn heart to line up with God’s Word and believe it!
This is when I turned on my laptop and began writing. This is how I live out Revelation 12:10,11. In order for me to hurl down my accuser I write and confess and become as transparent as I possibly can. Why? Well…because I receive life when I read another’s transparency through their current struggles, and I want another to see that although I am redeemed in Christ Jesus, I struggle daily with my sanity. I struggle daily with my tongue (or fingers), I struggle daily if I am truly saved. I am a real person with real problems wanting to reach as many real people as I can with a Real solution. Jesus.
If you love to read like I do, and want authentic biblical teaching then please go to www.unforsakenministries.com and buy Mo Mydlo’s books. You won’t be disappointed.
Until next melt down…. just kidding.