Ramblings, on purpose.

Do you ever think about your purpose?

I mean really think about it.

I do. All the time.

I’m a thinker. I think about everything. Grand things, small things, future things, past things. I’m always thinking.

I want to know why I do what I do. Why I react the way I react. I want to know how to CHANGE the things I dislike about myself. I desire to grow. Desire to achieve greatness.

What does any of this have to do with my original question?

I believe that our purpose is intricately designed within us. So if we are unaware of who we are or why we do what we do, how will we ever be able to fully walk out in our purpose.

If our viewpoint of ourselves is jaded or incomplete, then our output will also be incomplete. Therefore, knowing ourselves, our TRUE selves is vital…… I believe in fulfilling our purpose.

So I’m constantly looking forward but also asking how my past has created this future and what can I adjust to make the outcome closer to where I desire to be.

I believe that when you are open to receiving this information God will send you what you’re ready to receive.

I’m currently reading a few things that speak about changing your mindset, as well as receiving videos from friends that speak on how our past directly effects our actions and thoughts.

Here’s the thing though…… I am a mother. So as I learn this information about how my past has created this reality I live in. I am compelled to make sure that the moments I spend with my kids are focused on creating a future they don’t have to rescue themselves from.

That. Is my purpose.

I’ve always known this too.

I remember being 10 years old in my front yard, playing by myself and thinking how I couldn’t wait to be a mother so I could love my kids so much that they would never question how I felt about them.

At 17 when asked where do you see yourself in 10 years, I immediately responded as a mother. I’ve always desired to be a Mother. It was designed within me before I ever came about. The universe has given me all the tools I need to be the mother I always desired to be.

But I had to work to get here. I had to consider my ways over and over again. I have failed many times in creating a safe environment for my kids.

And yet still I know without a doubt that each day I am fulfilling my purpose in their lives. As well as the other mom in my boys lives.

Do you know your purpose?

Are you looking within each day to find it?


Whose foundation are you building on?

Did you know that the stone Jasper mentioned in Revelations 21 is a RED colored stone? 21:11 says it’s ‘clear as crystal‘ (yup that totally caught my attention in 2008 when I opened the bible for the 1st time…ya I’m vain lol) then vs 18 ‘the wall is made of jasper, pure as gold, as pure as glass‘ (there I am again…well the meaning of my name lol) lastly and I find the most intriguing is found in verse 19: The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The FIRST foundation was jasper….

Jesus is the FOUNDATION of our Eternal houses. His BLOOD is the Only way to even begin seeking a relationship with God. Understanding the depth of LOVE that He has for us, that He chose to be lowered from His royal position and became a man. Then this same man that gave it all up loved and taught us everything about the Father…and then we put Him on the Cross to die a horrific death. And as He hung there between two criminals; Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” Luke 23:34. And you know what….God promises that anything we ask of Him He will do…if we forgive others He will forgive us. Therefore, Jesus’ life and death was all for US, and we ARE FORGIVEN. PERIOD.

But woe to the one who keeps on sinning after they know the truth. Hebrews 10:26 warns those that there is nothing left to sacrifice for you, and all you have to look forward to is a fiery death. Harsh, I know….True though. Whether you want to believe it or not……if you want salvation….then it’s ALL of Gods Word or it’s NONE.

So I ask you….whose foundation are you building on? Because we all are.

God is still the God of Miracles

In 4 days I will be coming up on a double anniversary. May 8th will be 5 years since I met my husband, as well as the 2nd year my first husband and the father of my children ended his life. God has given me an enormous amount affirmation that He knew about it all and made sure that my broken heart would be able to seal out any doubts that my life was still running on it’s original course.

I started dating Matt on 4/6/96 and four years later 4/6/00 we were married. Although we separated on 8/8/05 he did not begin the divorce until, yup 4/6/08. So if you haven’t noticed 4/6 is a date that I relate to him. Well this past April my husband Chadd went on an advance boot camp through Ransom Hearts, and it happened to fall on the 6th. I knew God would make it crystal clear if this marriage was going to make it this weekend. I counted on God to pour out his Holy Spirit and radically change Chadd and our lives would finally be united in Him full force.

All day Saturday I could feel Gods Love and assurance of the blessing He was about to pour into our lives. When Chadd came home Sunday afternoon he affirmed that his break through occurred the day before making 4/6/13 now OUR day in Christ.

Do you see what God did to assure my weary heart about the men that He planned for me? Let me give you the short version.

Matt & Me –  4/6/96 beginning

Chadd & I –  5/8/08 met

Matt passed away – 5/8/11

Chadd & I one in Christ – 4/6/13

There are many other ways that God has assured me of this but this one allows me to tie in this amazing miracle that He allowed me to be apart of so I can share it with you.

After Matt’s death Chadd and I were not good, in fact I had never been more sure we were getting a divorce than I was during this period. In order to go further you’ll have to read the blog that was written in August 2011 explaining what had occurred. Click  here, and then come back to see the God of miracles still at work today.

I didn’t push the subject with my friend but hoped I would get the chance to talk to her again. On 1/11/13 she sent me another message and this time I asked more questions and found out that she like so many others had a hurtful experience from a church leader and the seed of destruction was planted. Our conversation remained respectful and open like the first one. Then I received one of those messages that I know truly had nothing to do with me, but still God allowed me to see what will happen when His children will LOVE others the way Jesus loved us.

On April 6, 2013


Just thought I should give you a little update on something I think you would like. Well my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years. I only have one working tube and the two times I did get pregnant I lost it very very early. Well in February one night in my mind I guess you can say I kinda prayed for Gods help. As of today I am 8 weeks and doing good. Just thought you might like that story considering it is coming from me!!!

How’s that for the Father working in ways that show His glory like no other. But did you notice the date it was sent? I didn’t until this morning when I decided to write a blog about Matt. Do you see how God worked the death of Matt for GOOD, to open the doorway to her heart, and 2 years later on this exact date she was led to share with me the miracle that occurred.

Friends, this post isn’t about me boasting of my good works…this post is a detailed display of a small part of God’s plan for my life. I know that He has been making this so detailed so I would be able to show YOU that GOD is a personal detailed and LOVING Father. I know that I have been given a special gift receiving these details, but again not so I can boast about it, but so I can use it to open your eyes and heart with undeniable proof that GOD IS ALIVE AND HE IS WORKING IN OUR LIVES….OR AT LEAST TRYING TO. WE HAVE TO STOP FIGHTING HIM. YOUR WAYS CANNOT COMPARE TO WHAT HE HAS CREATED FOR YOU. SEEK HIM AND NEVER STOP. It’s been working for me….I know it will for you too!

Hope you stayed with me through this one….please share this with anyone who doubts that God loves them or that they have a purpose in Him.

“What lessons have you learned that needs to be maturely rewritten?”

“What lessons have you learned that needs to be maturely rewritten?”

This question was left at the end of a devotional. It’s a question that I hope to answer several more times over my lifetime. Today the lesson I want to rewrite is the lesson about my second marriage. Until 13 days ago I would’ve told you that my current marriage, which is the second for both my husband as well, was not Gods original plan for him and I. That our lives reflected the consequences of our sinful life before Christ. Today, I will say that this is partially true. Him and I have suffered from our choices made before and after committing our lives to Christ. But we are not Gods backup plan. We are the original plan created by God, and FOR God. Every moment of our lives has been planned from before we were ever born. God knew the day I’d be born, and the day I will die. This brings me such comfort when life seems to be falling apart around me. He is IN ALL.

God is not a God that makes mistakes. He is an all knowing, all powerful, and always present God. He created the Universe by the power within His Words. God created Adam out of the dirt of the Earth, and Jesus from His Spirit. Which of those two would you consider the original plan? Right, Jesus. He may be the second man, but He is NOT the second plan.

And neither are my husband and I. God has given me confidence in this which is why I am correcting my previous belief. Gods ways are higher than ours, and our human minds will never be able to comprehend His full design. We could go back and forth on different beliefs based on Scripture and personal experience. I’m not writing this to create a debate.

The reason I’m writing this is because God has opened my eyes to something I once saw differently. As I’m continually being transformed to reflect the image of Christ I realize how many people around me are secretly broken inside. Trying to live life as everyone else around them, but dying inside because no one else seems to have as many problems as them. I myself am one of those people…and for years I have suffered alone, ashamed, and condemned when I tried to reach out. That is NOT how Jesus treated those he came in contact with. Christ died so we ALL would be ONE with the Father and Him. He came for the broken sinner. Which is ALL of us. Not one single person walking this planet is without sin. Christ lived a life of obedience, humility and LOVE. Each of us is given a purpose to fulfill while we are here. I don’t want to claim to know all the answers, what I do know is what God has done within my life, and I will tell you without question that not one single moment in my life has been without God. He knew every ounce of pain and suffering I would experience and allowed it to happen. He had, and has a purpose for all of it. So I can be used to lead His children to His Son. In this season I believe He wants me to do that by being authentic about who I am and how He is and has been working within my life.

Journal enteries from 4/26/11

“In order to go forward, I must go back”

When building a bridge each plank must be placed and secure, before placing another one. When I skip ahead and do not secure my footing-everything breaks and I have to go back.


From Purpose Driven Life, Day One Question to ponder: In spite of all that is around me, How can I remind myself that life is REALLY about living FOR God, not me?

Constantly reading your Word, surrounding myself by Christ following believers. Read my writings about the countless times you’ve pulled me through ANY situations, not just to get through, but truly and honestly you have revealed so much more about who you are, and why you chose me, you heal areas of my heart that I didn’t even realize were damaged!

I am more because of the trial, storms, destruction, pain and sorrow- never am I less- because you are beyond anything in this world, and just as I created my children to be, (well better versions) of me- you created me, so I can be like You!

I am never less than who I was yesterday, to think I cannot be worthy of anything less than perfection- is how I can remind myself to remember WHOSE I AM-who created me to like him – I pray Lord my selfish heart remembers that I am like you – (well on my way) when I insult myself I am insulting GOD! Forgive me for I did not know!!

~sometimes I just gotta write~

She did what she could.

Mark 14:1-11 Jesus Anointed at Bethany

Verse 8a in the above passage says “She did what she could.”

She did what she could.

This was one of the key messages for one of the women at Women of Faith this weekend. And it really hit home with me because the truth of the matter is I am not doing what I could in a lot of areas of my life. But the only area that truly matters is in my walk with God. Am I doing all that I could when I pray? No. Am I doing all that I could when I am reading the Word? No. Am I doing all that I can to teach others what God has taught or is teaching me? No.

Last night I thought about this statement and I asked God where I could do more for Him, and I sensed He was saying writing. I don’t write like I used to. This morning as I sat and talked with one of my dearest friends she subtly, in a not so subtle way said I should try and write in this writing contest. Then I checked my Facebook  and another friend (who also went to WOF) had this exact statement on her status. So, here I am writing about writing.

But this is more than just about me and my desire to write. Are you doing what you could do? Not everything, but what you can do for God? He doesn’t call us to solve world hunger, but he does call us to give to the hungry. He doesn’t call us to end bullying, but He does call us to Love our enemies. He doesn’t call us to change the world, but He does call us to teach the Gospel which changed us. Are you doing any of this? Am I doing any of this?

I know I love writing, and I love writing about what God is doing in my life…so I want to do what I can which is just that. Write about what God is doing in my life, and pray that the Holy Spirit leads those who He needs to hear the message that He has given me. That is doing what I can. I am a stay at home mother, and this is where I belong, so going out and leading classes at my local church would be against where God has placed me….but that doesn’t mean that I can’t teach those who choose to see my blog, and I can do this all from the comfort of my front porch.

Will you join me today and seek out things that you can do for God and let go of all the things you can’t. Start with your passion….how can you turn that into a testimony for Christ?

~sometimes I just gotta write~ (it’s what I could do)

A day my wondering of “when will someone ask” was put to the test.

I recently suffered another tragic life altering death within my family. The father of my children, a man that changed my life, and became more to me than an ex, he was my family, was over taken by the pain and believed the lies that everyone he loved would be better without him here and took his life on Mothers day May 8 2011. (A date that all throughout our relationship would be the day we either broke up or found our way back together. The day I met Chadd my current husband in 2008, and the year prior 2009 I  had the most spiritual experience to this date, where I actually wrote that I would be the one dying in May the following year, a day that bc of him I am able to celebrate.)    My heart breaks knowing the years he will miss watching our children grow up to be the people we always dreamed for them to be. But I rejoice in Gods plans for my children…they know the Lord, and know that this is not the end for Matt as well as having Chadd in their lives assuring them of a fathers love. God is a LOVING God.

During the following weeks a flood of emotions I had realigned from our relationship as husband and wife to our roles as parents, came crashing in on me. My current husband at the time was amazing the 1st week after Matts passing….then the time when I needed to lean on him the most so I could be the mother that my children needed me to be he lost focus of his role as our only male protector in this world, and I was left defussing stupid temper tantrums, so my kids wouldn’t hear us fight.

Death is not new to me…when my relationship shifted with Matt was when my brother Mike fell 9 stories in Daytona Beach, at the age of 25 leaving behind a 4 yr old daughter, and his wife was 2 months pregnant with his son. Mike was more of a father to me….my world had fallen out from under me and Matt was there through all of it. Just holding me when I needed it, listened to cry, and when I became engulfed with the vision of him falling over and over he firmly said “then stop thinking about that”. Sounds harsh but I needed him to say it bc I was unable to snap out of it.

Back to the reasoning of this blog…after we came back home from the condo, I could almost feel the release of Gods power. Without Him I wouldn’t be able to write this, bc I would have lost my mind and been institutionalized. I will honestly admit that I am not the same person I was before the events that occured during our time at the beach.

Once home I had never felt such exhaustion in my life. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally I could not function. I think I slept for almost a week, remaining in bed another week after that.

Until one night I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and happened to look at my phone, which I typically wont do. Below is the emails that occured between a highschool friend of mine that I haven’t seen since 1996. Excuse my typos, it was midnight and I was on my phone.

May 25


Just a question and if I offend you I am sorry I am not
trying to. After all of this bad stuff happening to you in such a short time
you still believe in god. How can you praise to something that has done nothing
but hurt you. Just something I have always thought and didn’t understand it.
Not just you but everyone.

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May 26


Wow….couldn’t understand why I woke up when I was sleeping
so calmly. This is why and explains the dream I was having.

Totally NOT offended….actually THANK YOU! Bc I have truly believed my life
would never change until I was asked this question. I almost have an excitement
in me bc finally someone has asked……

Ok. So you’ve known me through highschool and remember when I tried to kill
myself on 9th grade right? I have been trying since 12…. many times and many
different ways…..there were times I came.to school blacked out bc I had taken
so many pills the night before. Anyway….the day I woke up in the hospital
something in me.changed…..it wasn’t an instant and I didn’t become saved
until my 30’s but something awakened in me that made me know there was a reason
I lived. I never opened a bible until May 2008, but as I go back and read my
journals I’ve always prayed……after Mike dying it was then I started feeling
God pulling me closer….through Mike though….now I know it was the Holy Spirit
using my brothers memory to show me who God was and how much He truly loves me.

My reason I believe in God is bc He gets me THROUGH all of the horrible things
in my life. I honestly cannot remember if you have kids…(sorry) I don’t think
you do…I know you live on Vegas and are married but dunno ab the kid
thing…. anyway…my kids are GOOD I mean really GOOD kids and they’ve already
been through a divorce, fighting horrible fighting with Chadd, now their dad
killed himself, and now another divorce. I don’t do this to them bc I hate
them. Just the opposite…..I love them so much I’ve wanted to sacrifice
everything FOR their future. This sometimes means we have to go through
horrible things….that’s when I love them MORE evidently in their everyday life.
We play, talk, go swimming, star together….even sleep in the same.bed most
nights. When they’re being out the worse possible situation I’m MORE of a
mother than I’ve ever been. That’s how it is with God. When I’m going through
the most gut wrenching pain (and its been like this my ENTIRE life….lots of
abuse…sexual, verbal, mental, physical, everything) God loves me so much
closer, it I should say when I turn back to Him, He’s there in an instant and
LOVES me through the pain bc He wants my life to be PERFECT….just like I want
my kids lire to be perfect……He can’t control what others I have on my life
do (well He COULD but He won’t) He can only help those who WANT help, who WANT
MORE in this life. Everything that’s happened in this world…its ALL in the
bible. Different time but its all there. I’m never shocked with the things I
hear bc its going to get worse and that means as long as I live here in this
world chances are my life and my kids will feel the punishment of this world.
God never promised me choosing Him meant I’d have a perfect life down here, He
actually promises me it will be hard and painful and I will suffer….So He’s
never lied to me….He’s also promised me if I stay faithful and continue to
try with all my heart, mind, and soul to live an honorable life in His glory,
believe in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, that He’s the son of God
(which I still struggle with and that’s ok….bc I’m still learning) that when
I die and Jesus then comes back to “end the world” that I will be one
of the ones who get to live my spiritual life on heaven with God and Jesus.

So even through all of the horrible things that never seem to stop in ky
life….one thing I never doubt is if there is a God. Not to mention
scientifically this world couldn’t not have been created by anything other than
an Intelligent Designer. It’s scientifically impossible for the things to be as
they are without something making all of it……

God doesn’t waste my hurt….someone, somewhere will need to hear my pain to
get through theirs…that’s why I believe I’ve had the life God gave me. Just
wish sometimes I could just use what I’ve got LOL

Hope that answered your question. Thank you SO much for asking me that. I
needed to be reminded of this….which BTW is God reminding me people I never
even think ab are watching and I have to always remember who I represent!

Please ask me anything. Anytime!!!



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May 26


Once again I was not trying to be mean I just have so many
issues and questions about god and you seem to really get the hole thing. So I
thought maybe I should ask you since you are going thur so much and still
believe. Thank you for taking time and talking to me about it 🙂

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May 26


Questions about God are GOOD! The way we get stuck is never
searching for the answers openly and willing to accept the answers you find,
without a predestined answer. I believe the second you stop questioning God is
when we die on the inside. Our whole existence is to be in relationship with
God. That’s ALL He asks if us…..everything else you see and best Christians
do in the name of God are bc during their relationship this is how God chooses
to use them and they LOVE Him so completely they WANT to do that. Now there are
some judgmental hypocritical Christians that slam others in the name of the
Lord and they do more damage to His name than someone who bashes God.

I can’t answer everything but I’m more than willing to try and answer anything
I can. Never offended….honestly you gave me a GIFT that I’ve waited and
wondered why no one has asked yet. So honestly MC thank you!

He even planned that….

“Living by Faith not by sight” KP Yohannan (bold added by me)

 When I am faced with problems, disappointments, lack of resources or sickness, if I fix my eyes on the things that are visible, then all those difficulties discourage me and I get weighed down by the impossibilities. But when I turn my eyes to the invisible, fixing them on God, all those difficulties become instruments He uses to help me live by faith. By faith, those afflictions are used to change me on the inside so that I reflect His glory. These pains and hardships will lead to the benefits and rewards that He promised, if I would only trust Him in the situations of life. But if I do not keep my eyes focused beyond the problems, beyond the struggles and beyond the here and now and on God, then those promises will not come about, simply because I am not putting my faith to work.

I remember back to when I was 16 years old serving with Operation Mobilization. It was there that I first began to understand that every disagreement, every problem, every tension, every irritation happens in our lives because God has orchestrated it. He has designed it. God put us in that situation or with that person so that we would be changed into His image. You may say, “I don’t want this kind of problem.” But He has designed it just for you, to be an instrument to make you like Him.

Reading this two nights ago, after the most infuriating month, filled with bitterness, rage, anger, self-righteousness,  judgment, doubt and hoplessness. I was able to see why and how I got myself there. Bc I forgot all of the truth that I have in my head. I knew… these things, but I also knew all of those things I listed….and God will not force me to walk in His light. He does not change for me…He does not alter the Way of His word just bc I am a proclaimed Christian, and if I suffer others might doubt in His existence. He doesn’t NEED me, He WANTS me, He LOVES me, He KNOWS me, and knows that I would never want Him to change so that my time here on earth would be easier, I would never want Him to change even if I threaten Him to end it all bc it’s just too hard.

What a disgrace I bring to being a Christian….when I refuse to see how I allowed myself to get that moment of those feelings. I don’t bring disgrace to being a Christian bc I have those moments where my rage overtakes me, I don’t bring disgrace to being a Christian when I am so angry for being mistreated for no reason, I don’t bring disgrace to being a Christian when I am filled with dispair. I bring disgrace to being a Christian when I refuse to see that it is MY doing, that it is MY responsibility to repent of those feelings, that it is MY choice to dwell in misery OR bring honor to God. When I admit that I am a sinner in need of a Savior, that I do not do the things I want to do, and do the things I do not want to do, that I am unable to make it on my own in this body without sinning if He is not with me.

I uttered that same quote so many times this month “I don’t want this problem” even worse I said “I didn’t ask for this life, or this gift…I don’t want it…I’m not strong enough” What’s so sweet is even in my anger I didn’t lie to God. I didn’t ask to be born – He gave me life. I didn’t ask for the spiritual gift of prophecy – He gave it to me. I’m not strong enough to live without Him, I’m not strong enough to use His gifts without Him. You see He designed this life JUST for ME. Not you, not your mom, not your friend, JUST ME!

How beautiful is that? You are reading this right now bc God wanted your eyes to see into my heart, where He lives. He can live in yours too, all you have to do is ask Him to forgive your sins, Believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, he lived, died, and rose just so you can ask Him this very question, at this very moment. If you have not already accepted Our Fathers gift simply ask Him to help you repent of your ways, be baptized, to allow His Spirit to live within you….and one day you will be able to say these things to another…the one God created your life for. ♥